Lately, I’ve been going a little stir-crazy with the whole not working or studying full-time thing. I’ve been babysitting an average of 10 hours a week which is possibly the least amount of work I’ve done in the past 8 years, but I still don’t really count babysitting before subbing school as real employment (although this “not real employment” is going to cover my rent, but that’s beside the point).

I watch Netflix. I craft. I wedding plan. I schedule doctor’s appointments for my subbing paperwork and then nearly pass out after a little blood is drawn (true story, I’m now a “fainter” I guess?). I accidentally kill plastic things by turning on the wrong burner. Fun.

However, I’ve also had the opportunity to revisit some friendships. Today I spent four hours at a Panera with a friend I haven’t seen in years. I also caught a former co-leader (AKA AMAZING friend) before I left, and called a couple of friends on the way home. It was amazing. I felt like me again because I thrive in situations where I can freely talk to others about stuff that matters- not just my latest crafts or lame ways I spend my time. To be honest, I am happiest when I’m giving time, effort, love to others. Left to my own devices, I become rather narcissistic I think- or at the least, myopic because I forget about the big picture.

It’s a typical Rachel move to fail at finding a middle ground. I’m either completely sold on something or I’m not. This quality has its pros and cons, but I really need to work on channeling that ability toward the stuff in my life that does need it: my walk with God, cleaning my room, wearing real clothes EVERY day, and generally spending my time in ways that honor God.

Tonight was also movie night with Grandma Bev, the awesome retired elementary schoolteacher/my friend’s grandma whom I am living with currently. Chris came over and we ate icecream and all sat on the couch and watched
Courageous. It was quite good. Christian films have come so far since Facing the Giants. The final words of the latter film still haunt me. Watch it sometime and you’ll understand why I’m so glad they’ve improved.

In other news, I was thinking about it, and I’m already on my sixth book of the year, a Ted Dekker novel I’m reading in between doing other things. As far as Bible reading goes, as usual, I have no plan other than the “read through a book or two of the Bible a couple of chapters at a time… go to next book, repeat” plan. I started at 1 Corinthians this time. The wonderful HCSB study Bible is awesome. The notes provide a lot of context and analysis, even with word studies in the original language sometimes.

I’m still not getting what I want to from spending time with God, but I think that is partially good; it means I recognize that God makes the moves, not I (said the pretentious English teacher using proper grammar out of necessity because of the nagging voice of writing reason). God is King. I trust Him.

I really ought to sleep now but I’m struggling with that. This was a kind of attempt to figure out what is nagging at my subconscious. I still don’t know. Goodness, it’s going to take God’s grace and coffee to get through church and class tomorrow, so I will go now.
Good night.

P.S. you remember that tattoo I wanted? I still want it. We’ll see what happens.

I’ve read and written and contemplated the concept of forgiveness quite a lot, but it never hurts to revisit truth, and you know how I have that corner of my heart for the words of C.S. Lewis. Lately I’ve been hunting down quotes on Pinterest in the name of fighting ignorant misquoting, and I came across a sermon on forgiveness by C.S Lewis which can be found here.

The following are quotes that jumped out at me:

“Real forgiveness means looking steadily at the sin, the sin that is left over without any excuse, after all allowances have been made, and seeing it in all its horror, dirt, meanness, and malice, and nevertheless being wholly reconciled to the man who has done it.”

“They [those who believe forgiving is excusing] think that if you ask them to forgive someone who has cheated or bullied them you are trying to make out that there was really no cheating or bullying. But if that were so, there would be nothing to forgive. (This doesn’t mean that you must necessarily believe his next promise. It does mean that you must make every effort to kill every taste of resentment in your own heart – every wish to humiliate or hurt him or to pay him out.)”

“To excuse, what can really produce good excuses is not Christian charity; it is only fairness. To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”

I keep wanting to copy and paste paragraphs, so you should probably go read it for yourselves

I also keep thinking that a lot of these principles ought to have been covered when I was a child. Sometimes I feel like Sunday school was far too sugar coated; we learned what but never the distinctions or reasoning until high school. Anyway, I’ve been wrestling with forgiveness myself, and I was just thinking back to a conversation I had with a friend who felt like forgiveness invalidated her hurt. I can’t say that I haven’t ever considered that, but it always comes back to Christ. We love because He first loved us. He set the example in forgiveness and doesn’t even ask us to replicate it, but rather to imitate as best as we can (Eph. 5:1).

This is something I found that really made me pause and consider the role of genders. I’m not sure what I think about it yet, but I’d love to hear what any of you think.

How Manhood and Womanhood Are Different.

I’m stealing the classic title for the mundane reason that I can relate to Elizabeth Bennett. I could talk about how I relate to an awkward family, how I am likewise stubborn and outspoken, or how my Mr. Darcy came and swept me off my feet, but I would digress.

Today I identify with Elizabeth’s pride in judging others and stubbornly acting and speaking on that prejudice. I find myself unhappy when I see others who are doing things I deem irrational, rude, or even sinful who are persisting in their ways and sometimes hurting me in the process. I am wounded when I feel abandoned by others or betrayed for any number of flaws, and then doubly hurt when these same people, without explanation or apology, act like nothing ever happened.

The problem with this whole situation is two-fold. One, if it is simply my judgement on them, I am the one sinning for not bothering to communicate or disregard my presuppositions until they are substantiated. And even then, the best way to respond would be in love, not out of hurt. Secondly, by not allowing myself to see these same people anew when time has passed, I am the one suffering from prejudice which is an injustice to those who have actually evolved more into the person they are going to be.

I experienced this around junior high, high school, and now even after college. It’s tough, but it’s not surmountable. My second instinct after hurt is apathy, but not caring at all is also a poor response as someone who is loved by God- the One who constantly loves.

This is clearly something common to humanity. Hurt can really cripple an individual. I’m not perfect, but I feel blessed God reminds me when I am being prideful in my judgement of others, and reminds me that I needed an awful lot of grace too in order to make any progress at all!

So if you’re hurt, don’t act on your fear and don’t anesthetize it; work through it and see what good can come of it.

I am branching off into a separate blog for poetry and writing I’m working on. This blog is going to stay pretty much for my personal thoughts/notes.

Writing blog: http://sundryscribbles.wordpress.com

Right now I am scrambling for finals as always while planning things like my trip to Florida over break, my impending unemployment phase of life, the upcoming wedding, and even a new blog.

I’m at point where things are changing quickly for me, and I’m contemplating some personal changes as well.

Today my encouragement was hearing back from an MFA in poetry about some of my work. If all goes as planned, I’ll have a couple of poems published online for the examiner. Even if it doesn’t pan out, as someone who has submitted and been rejected from the campus literary magazine for two years, it was nice to know that maybe someday I’ll be able to do something with my writing. It’s the idea that perhaps my thoughts are not isolated to me, perhaps they are things that other people consider too… but have otherwise been unable to communicate.

For me, it’s always enough to have something matter to just one other person.

I’ve written feeble crutches to support my lame thoughts,
malformed and injured, attempting to heal
But there are still some things I can’t rehabilitate
To broadly stride into the world.
They sit broken or locked away in institutions in my state of mind.

And even though they can’t quite make it out
Or they do just long enough to say hello and perish,
They are still there. They still dwell in the lingering fringe
Of my consciousness.

They say “I’m sorry.”
“I miss you.”
“I wish things had turned out differently.”
“I still care about you.”

But they can’t join the mainstream of consciousness.
They cling to the shadows.
They subsist under bridges.
They are not productive to society
and have no future
So who cares?
Why should you care?

This is precisely why I have compassion for those thoughts and still look for a solution, even when people tell me it’s a waste of time.

You know, I’ve written quite a bit lately, but most of it has been lesson plans. I’m taking on more responsibility with student teaching which equates to less time to sit and ponder my life. I also have been spending more time expressing myself through art and a really basic google site for my sophomores. Maybe I’ll post the link here in awhile; I want to make sure it’s not violating some vital teacher rule I haven’t considered.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how quickly life has moved for me in the past couple of years. There are so many people I won’t forget, and even though college never garnered that super-tight “in” group for me, I see it as more of an opportunity than detriment for my future. God always puts people in my life for me to love and learn from, and my willingness to enjoy new people in my life leads to so many opportunities that I wouldn’t have if I was too caught up in my own group. Plus, student teaching means I have little to no social life right now.

Anyway, this morning at church we looked over Revelation 6-7. I have to tell you that sometimes I look at Revelation and I inwardly sigh and see mysteries that I’d much rather have happen than just listen to interpretations about. Sabeano was really good about pointing to the reaction of the people; they ran and hid in caves, rather than facing God. As His children, our response to terrifying things in our life should be to run to Him for comfort; not run away. I recognized that sometimes I feel guilty for deserving God’s wrath. I forget the value and meaning of Christ’s blood. I need to re-focus from time to time.

Part of that refocusing meant realizing that lately I’ve been a little discouraged by what I hear in the media about people and religion. I actually spent some time about a month ago researching some atheist opinions in an attempt to see what their experts were saying about Christianity these days. They do make some interesting points, but it’s always my interpretation that’s different. For instance, one expert said that humans were hard-wired to be “religious” because of natural selection; people who function better corporately survive. I agree, but not for the same reasons. I think God created us to desire to know Him, even though we often try to satiate that desire with a variety of pleasure-seeking tactics.

But the point that has really upset me is when scientists try to claim that God is a mental human construct as a means of greater survival. It spits in the face of the designer who created us and then told us how we’d be happiest because it literally is what we were made to do. Here is the article that claims otherwise. Read it for yourself and see what you think (and please let me know if you do- I’d love some more opinions!).

It’s upsetting and it really got me thinking. What always kills me is that I can understand this view to a certain extent. Yes, we should go beyond being “Christian buttheads” who just look at the world and say “God did it, I don’t need to know how,” but I also have a hard time believing people who say you have to take God out of the equation in order to have an objective view of the world. I get that science is important, and I think evolution happens (although not to the extent that most evolutionists claim), but it’s awful to look at the finer points of how the world works and then spit in the face of the one who made it by saying it was chance. And if you’re not going to acknowledge God, then please at least don’t try to tell me who created whom.

This past weekend I had the pleasure of celebrating two wonderful friends becoming one in marriage. It was up in Minneapolis and, despite my best efforts, I got terribly lost and missed the wedding completely. My wonderful brother was kind enough to direct me via cell phone and internet, so I eventually made it… after a trip out to stillwater and a couple of scenic loops through Minneapolis.

I ended up watching the recording online last night. But despite missing the wedding, I was challenged by the groom’s father. He is a retired pastor from Puerto Rico who emanates wisdom and compassion. Not very many people have this quality; it is something of a strong gaze that seems to bore right into you, see you exactly as you are, and not flinch whatsoever. He spent some time talking with Chris topher who was in the wedding party and spent half of last week helping everyone get ready.

The challenge he gave Chris was one he gave his oldest son; read Matthew 5 (the Sermon on the Mount) every day for two weeks. Now I know I’m not Chris topher, but when a retired pastor suggests a challenge like that, I can’t help but want to try it myself because there has to be a lot of merit to it. The man really leaves an impression that leaves one thinking.

As a result, this is day two of the challenge for me. I’m reading it in my HCS study Bible and loving a new look at a familiar passage. I’m going to try and post what I’m getting from the passage as it speaks to me. As much as this bothers my linear/chronological organization, I feel that it would be neglecting the Spirit to ignore what stuck out to me and stick to order. I will, however, try to make sure I cover all the verses at some point.

“The peacemakers are blessed, for they will be called sons of God.”

Peacemaker. It’s a simple enough word etymology that an English novice could pick it up. A peacemaker is someone who makes peace with others. Now, as much as we could think of our lives and consider those we talk to on a regular basis as being peaceful relations, I don’t think that’s the aim here.

Think of the people you actually have to work at making peace with. Is it a co-worker? A socially obnoxious friend? A family member? A roommate? Someone you are trying to minister to?

What makes peace with them difficult? Lately, I’ve been disturbed by my response to a situation involving someone with whom I have very fragile peace at best. Their attitude and actions make me angry. It makes me sick thinking about the kind of person they have demonstrated themselves to be. I can try to justify my feelings, but there’s no way around it; being angry toward someone is a sin.

The notes in the HCSB are also incredibly helpful for getting me to think a little more beyond the text. Here’s a little bit of the footnotes:

“The ministry of peacemaking involves resolving conflict by making prompt apologies and acts of restitution, refusing to seek revenge, and humbly loving and serving one’s enemies (5:21-26, 38-41, 43-48). The promise that peacemakers will be called sons of God probably means that Jesus’ authentic disciples emulate God by undertaking the ministry of reconciliation. Thus at the final judgment they shall be accepted as the sons (and daughters) of God.”

Prompt apologies, acts of restitution, refusing to seek revenge, humbly loving and serving one’s enemies.

Is this how you treat those who have hurt you or seem to be your enemies?

Is there anyone in your life with whom you refuse to make peace?

I keep thinking of later in the passage, verses 43-46, “You have heard that it was said, Love your neighbor and hate your enemy. But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. For He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward will you have? Don’t even the tax collectors [AKA non-Christ followers/average joes/anyone really] do the same?”

If it is in your power at all, make peace with everyone (think Romans 12:18-21).

Reject what your instinct is, and love as you have been loved. And if you have not experienced the kind of love that is big enough to make others’ offenses seem small, then I pray you will ask God to show you His love and seek it through prayer and studying the Bible.

God, please grant me the grace to love others even when I am struggling with it. Help me to see people the way that You see people. I pray that I will never harden my heart against others, but will actively seek Your power to enable me to overcome the hurtful thoughts and behavior I so often desire. I love You. Thank you for all You have given me.