Frustration passes- I don’t hold onto things. I don’t expect everyone to understand, but I do try and make life easier for others.

lol there is so much I have yet to learn about other people too. Sometimes I forget that people can’t hear all of my thoughts. They only see what I give them. It’s a great reminder to be more open… it generally eliminates misunderstandings.

I am finished with my finals- looking forward to China. These past few weeks have been so stressful. My room is a mess- need to clean that up… trying to find some time that synchs with when my roommate is up and about. I feel bad enough about waking her up when I come in at odd hours of the night after studying etc. and it does bug me that my space has been so cluttered.

In other news, I get to see my parents tomorrow. They’re coming for lunch and it will be the last time I see them in 2009! I will miss hanging out with my sibs over break!

Life is good. I feel blessed in many ways.

I used to do a lot more of these, and I feel the need to return. God has been working on my heart lately. It’s been a bit of a rough patch for me, coming to terms with my pride and these hidden motives that cloud my vision. I know that holiness is possible, but only through God. I know that I have kept some legalistic pride… and that is what has been broken down. I am obliterated from what I was. I have nothing to brag about. I take pride in nothing except this: that Christ is perfect.

I am a cracked and broken vessel, miraculously holding Living Water as though I am whole. I am not yet, but it is promised. I have nothing. I am given everything.

I even look at what I’m saying and see echoes of what the apostles had to say. Not that I’m anywhere near their caliber, but I feel as though I get what they’re saying a little better.

7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Cor. 12:7-10

11And do this, understanding the present time. The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. 12The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. 13Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. 14Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.[c]
Romans 13:11-14

1How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 2Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears,[a]we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. 3Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure.
1John 3:1-3

There’s a lot more but I have class.
Dive into the Bible. See what you find. It overwhelms me.
Isaiah 53

God- I don’t understand, but I trust it’s Your plan, won’t You please take my hand and lead me
I am restless and proud the more things I’m allowed, I am blind won’t You cause me to see?
I know that Your love is enough for my past and I’m living each days as though it is the last
But I wrestle with things that consume.

Why are we human? Why do we struggle? Why do I hurt You so?
I don’t know.

I know that I need You for each breath I take, but I hate, I abhor, that I still make mistakes
I am broken. I am broken.

20 years. 11 months. 7 days.

A wise man once told me that accepting Christ is not the end. It’s when all the conflict begins.

Where on earth am I going? Seriously, I know where afterwards, but not here.

A lot of things happened this weekend… I’m still processing.

I think I’ll use lists to try and organize this mental mess.

5 Things I need to do soon:
1) actually add that last class
2)do my homework
3) email my aunt
4)dishes
5) stop procrastinating. seriously.

5 people I hung out with over Thanksgiving break:
1) Peggy
2) Kallie
3) Sarah
4) michael my bro
5) the rest of my fam =)

5 things I’m looking forward to:
1) East Asia over Christmas break!
2) Chaperoning the twin cities trip this weekend for a yg from home
3) The Snow Ball!
4) Being done with finals
5) travel time to maintain sanity (i.e. time driving home, 13 hours on a plane to read and relax, etc.)

5 reasons my parents are awesome:
1) They’re letting me go overseas for my break
2) They introduced me to Jesus
3) They support me unconditionally and whole-heartedly
4) They taught me flexibility and a good sense of humor
5) They gave me siblings to keep me entertained lol

3 books I read over break:
1) Extras by Scot Westerfield (4th in the Uglies quad)
2) Life of Pi
3) The Kite Runner

5 Recent realizations about myself:
1) I’m not sure I want to be a camp counselor again. I never thought I’d consider not wanting to, but honestly I don’t know if I have the energy anymore… or if I just feel like that part of my life has passed.
2) I am great at taking initiative, not always so great at going along with something if I feel it could be done better/more efficiently
3) PMS and major holidays with family do not mix well.
4) I am learning how to derive confidence from God by just trusting Him… and not me.
5) Just because I can do something and be good at it does not necessarily mean it is the thing I’m supposed to do.

3 unknowns I’m trying not to worry about:
1)what to do with my summer
2)how classes are going to work out the next couple of years
3) where/with whom will I be living next school year

5 Christ-like traits I’m working on:
1) Self-control
2) humility
3) love
4) gentleness
5) patience (as always lol)

1 person who makes me smile all the time:
Tony

God formed Adam from the dust.
I think He did it to remind humanity to maintain humility- ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
We fade in our temporal glory to rejoin the collective of life.
Dirt both grows life and decomposes that which was alive.

Adam worked the land after the fall
And although God made it difficult, He was still there; bringing rain and sun to nourish and sustain.
It is this dependence that again should strike humility in people from the soil.
Maybe that is why farmers are often described with “humble.”
I think they live so close to the soil, they cannot help but remember that they cannot control everything.

Farming used to be a common occupation; after all,
everyone needs the fruit of the dust.
I am even descended from a long line of farmers;
families who worked the land
tanned
cracked
calloused
weathered
skin.

I did not grow up on a farm.
My family was far from the dust
my father is allergic to…
Yet my mother would always take us to visit where she grew up.
I don’t think she did it to remind us of the land-
but I know it is what she loved
because it was home.

I must confess that
Somewhere in my young mind
The seed and smell of land fixed itself
And I was drawn to the common vein of my ancestors.

I work in the soil
Even though I dwell in a city.
My feet, shod with steel toes
Tread the dust that settles in me
like a plant taking root,
assessing all the creases in my skin
under my nails
on the sweat of my brow.
My hands destroy the life shell- now shroud-
of maize.
I look at my hands
tanned
cracked
calloused
although not so weathered-
and I almost see my grandfather’s hands
from when I was very young
and shucking corn
mercilessly sliced my fresh skin.

I am older now, grown from the soil
I am older now, having worked the land.
I am grown into humility-
Knowing the power of the elements
the power of God
the difficulty of the task
and the delight of completion.

O my soul, sprouted from soil;
reach heavenward until harvest
when we will be taken home
or become one with the dust.

Bittersweet; the compound word embodying the dichotomy, the paradigm of something both sharp yet sweet. I do not like that the first word is bitter. It implies a hardening of the heart; a certain jadedness I could never wish to possess in any way. Sweet, on the other hand, is pleasant. Rarely does anyone have any negative connotations for it (save perhaps too much of actual sugar in concentration). Apart, they have their individual meanings, yet together, they are something different altogether. They complement each other, creating something not all one or the other, but together.

Bittersweet. Like the cold fall rain, it is reminiscent of happier or warmer times, yet heightens the senses with the intensity of change; the difference between summer and winter that meets somewhere in between. I dislike the cold, yet I still embrace the rain, laughing even when I have no umbrella and must face the soggy socks as consequence of deluged walks across campus.

I remember this, and it is with that combination of pain and joy that I embrace change. I accept that, in a sense, Winter has come; yet at the same time, it is ninety-five degrees and I am bathed in penetrating heat that covers me like a blanket of love. I cannot change the seasons that have been predestined. I cannot, out of sheer willpower, still the oncoming storms. What I can do is smile- not simply in token facial facade, but in soul. I can allow my heart to melt and radiate heat so it cannot freeze or be drowned in storms of tears or sorrows.

It is amazing that with such diction, I strive to pull you in, to help you understand one thing.

It hurt me to see the sun shine on a place where I dwelt many days, when all I had seen was thunderheads, cold rain, and mud; yet I still smiled, heart and head, for the happiness of the next esteemed guest who was already bright with sunshine and bathed in love.

Bittersweet.
I cannot cling to clouds, but I can most definitely bask in the sun that has returned.

May all your storms of doubts and fear be cleared with the promise of sunlight’s cheer.

24 ” ‘ “The LORD bless you
and keep you;

25 the LORD make his face shine upon you
and be gracious to you;

26 the LORD turn his face toward you
and give you peace.” ‘

Numbers 6:24-26

I’m already wondering what to do with mine…

EIBC?
PCCC?
Work in Ames again?
Work and live at home?
Camp Adventure?

Too many choices. No me gusta.

I agree that our past experiences make us who we are, but I don’t think they define us.
Not all of them anyway. For example, have you ever done anything you felt didn’t coincide with who you are or who you want to be?
We are changed by experiences, but it is who we are becoming that matters. If we are looking forward, looking to the future, trusting God to shape us into the people He would have us become, then there is no reason to dwell negatively on the past, but to rejoice that by God’s grace we are growing and getting one step closer to eternity =)

One from that other day that I forgot about (even apart from the one that’s staying in my notebook).

Reflections
distorted in water
poured over the surface of the lake
A grand masterpiece that Picasso might make.
Yet what are they but shadows of complex realities?
It seems to me that distortions we create with such ease;
a smudge of a character, or a streak of personality
can be drawn into sharp relief with mental vitality.
If we were careful artists, seeing the depth of real things
We might not make such a mess judging what each person brings.
Oh, that we might be brilliant, painting people in good light!
Noting flaws, yet seeing immortals, striving to make our lines right.

From 10/22

Reaction to T.S. Eliot’s “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”

Let me take you on a date-
All the while in a state
of utter desolation and decay.
Oh, lets find some way
to dwell on every unpleasant thought
Every terminal disease ever caught.
Isn’t this fun being frankly morose?
Can I enchant you even further by being verbose?
I hate the world, I have no loves
I’ve killed off all the mourning doves.
See their splattered guts just there?
It’s a metaphor for how much I care.
Let me be droll and use big words
I like my thoughts released in herds.
This poem has dragged on line by line
Meaningless repetition and poor design.
See my merit? See my skill?
Let me expand- no answer? I will.
And on and this torture goes.
Anyone who is intelligent already knows.

And just a random musing:

I’ve written lines of love and hate
Written arguments or just to debate.
But the merit of the written word
Is nothing like the things I’ve seen and heard.
It’s bottling brilliance or feelings or scenes
A worthy endeavor by any means.
The page is a picture, reflecting the age
Of time
Of people
of me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These days I am busy, but I’m learning slowly how to hand it over to Him so I can walk.

Round… 3 (I think?) of things written in Eng 228. I wonder if that man knows how valuable he is to my writing.

In response to the discussion of concrete poetry by William Carlos Williams

In response to the same author’s idea that you can make a poem out of anything that is felt or felt deeply, and the connection to sensory images we cherish.

Fascinated
With the light on the leaves
Bright colors and beauty enough to tempt thieves.
Shapes.
Shades.
Silhouettes.
I want to live in wonder with no regrets.

And another exists, but it doesn’t make the blog post cut. lol I rarely even say that… I suppose you all can read the rest of my writing after I die, like every other author =p

I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking lately. I don’t know if I’m the person I wanted to be; yet I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. I dislike dealing with the human condition, yet dealing with relativism would definitely drive me mad. I hope that I am becoming something different and better than my own simple plans. I used to want so much- all the stereotypical “perfect” things. Now I don’t know what I want. It’s really disconcerting to let go and let God make those decisions. Not knowing what I want means my will is breaking down and leaving room for God which is a good thing for me. Generally I do know what I want, but I’m getting used to my game plan changing at a moment’s notice. The down side of this is that I go to extremes and lose my will in some other things where it would actually pay to be stubborn. I’m still working on a lot of things- just taking it one day at a time