I am an absolutely disgusting person.
I struggle with self-control. I struggle with a heart that wants to love God, yet runs away at every possible moment. I have delighted in blatantly doing wrong over and over again, each time coming back to God and saying “SAVE ME” “forgive me.” “Love me.” even though my actions scream “abandon me already! Just give up and go home! I’m not worth it!”
That kind of reasoning is reflected in how I live sometimes. It truly is persistence that wins my heart because I feel like that is a major facet of God’s love for me. Redemption. Forgiveness. Peace.
But what I really want to know is, why isn’t that enough for me? Why can’t I believe that He is enough? If I did, I would live it. I know that. I am failing miserably at living like Christ. The only explanation I have for that?
I need failure.
I’ve spent so much of my life in faux perfection, I became complacent about my place with God. “Well of course He loves me- I do everything He says and I do it well.” THAT is what was in my head growing up. THAT was the secret voice that lulled me to sleep. What God has actually been trying to say is “I don’t care what you have done, are doing, will do; I already know your path and your heart for exactly what it is. I love you the same, even if you reject Me forever.”
Yet I’m still working on grasping this concept. I don’t want to fall farther into the pit, oblivious of God’s existence and love until it’s the very bottom. I’ve been down there before, and I’ll go again if I have to, but I don’t want to.
And for the one time in my life it would be useful and beneficial to be stubborn, I fail at that too. Sharing Christ with others? Well, I was laughed at this week, however, I did realize how many people I know who didn’t even know God before last school year. It wasn’t my doing, but that’s just it- I immediately shift the focus to ME, it wasn’t MY doing, as if the reader should expect it to be. I am selfish. It wasn’t my doing, but I am beginning to appreciate what God does through anyone, at any place, at any time in numerous lives.
In short, I’m freaking out. That’s when God asks what I’ve been up to, and calmly talks about what else is going on. This is why I realize that I need God- because without Him, I’m left alone, with no intention for anyone but myself.