Confession (part 2)

He is angry.

“Are you done yet, Rachel?! Have you finished trying to burn all your bridges? Do you get a kick out of making me sick? It’s disgusting! You weren’t meant for that! Do you think I enjoy watching you prostitute yourself to whomever comes along?! Is my love not enough? Is it not good enough for you? I will come after you time and again, but we reach a point where I have to say ‘Ok- have it your way.’ Is that really what you want? GO! I’ll be here. I”LL BE HERE!”

I really have no reply.
I know that He couldn’t love me any more or any less.
I still just enjoy wandering, although I don’t know why.

It’s utterly empty.

Like a barren woman’s womb is the world without God’s love- dry, lifeless; an open chasm of pain and distress where abundant life was supposed to reside.

Could this really be it? Have I reached the end of the rope?

I don’t want to let go.
I just need to commit to hang on I suppose. Yet haven’t I been doing that? Where is the disconnect?

I think the question is not “why” but rather, “for what reason” do these trials occur?
Glib Christian answer:
James 1

All I know is, please God, don’t let this be in vain. Please let this suffering have a purpose that can bring You greater glory.

I love You though I don’t deserve that privilege.

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