It was good for me to go away from camp for a summer.
It was a sort of rain gauge to see how I’ve thought and acted in the past. I want to be better. I want this to be a different kind of different.
I am trusting that the hands that made me can make me again and again, even though I feel like I’m about out of chances. Oh Father; I need You. All I need is You.
I’m working on the little decisions I make these days, monitoring what I’m thinking and how it affects my actions. I want to be trustable with the little things again, and I want a difference. I want more. I used to be so… I don’t know; headstrong? I’m slowing down. I want the marathon pace of a lifetime in love with Him. He is still asking for all of my heart. And I don’t know why.
If He wants all the little pieces and ragged edges… He has them. He is what heals.
But this time, I’m not going to go straight from getting better to sprinting at a breakneck pace. Hopefully (finally) I’ll be able to keep trusting Him and keep recognizing my weaknesses.
He has brought me back to camp, back to where I first really started following Him and growing. He has brought me back to my first love, the One my heart loves most and cannot be consoled without. I am here, but not here to be the same, but rather to continue to be purified and grow in His love. He has so much for me, it’s the least I can do to love Him and love others with all my heart and life.
I want to be beautiful again. Not in the kind of attraction that ages and fades and fizzles, but with the kind of strong yet gentle spirit of true Christ-like character. I am so thankful that He has asked for my hand again, and even more thankful that He stands up for me no matter what. I don’t want or need any other.