God is so good.
He makes a way of light where we see darkness.
I turned 22 on Sunday. I wrote the annual letter while lying in bed reflecting on everything. I reread the old ones each time before I write to see if my perspective has changed. I was really surprised. My whole personal paradigm shifted in the past year, and I found that the old letters didn’t even look the same.
Gone, were the old pinpricks of guilt or memories of subtle references within the letters. Gone were the anxiety and the sadness. Gone was my insecurity with myself, and it was instead replaced with hope. Humility. Joy. It was so strange, because I knew the words I had written for the past six years hadn’t changed on the handwritten pages. It was all there- God had been guiding me the entire time, and what I said stemmed from His Spirit in me. I felt as though I could see myself a little more like He does. Yes, I have sinned a LOT in my life… but Christ’s blood did SO MUCH MORE than I could ever counteract with my small self of humanity.
I saw that the times I was the most broken were the sweetest because I was closer to seeing Him and farther away from the endless distractions here. I was speaking with one of my best friends this evening, and I realized that my pride issue extended even to how I viewed myself as a sinner! If I thought I was a good person, there were so many others I knew I was better than. If I thought I was a sinner, I thought I was a lot worse than most people. I just kept swerving to extremes. It’s really childish, and I’m glad that I noticed so I can work on it. My friend realized they tend toward mediocrity by saying if they’re bad, well it’s not as bad as others, or if they’re good, there are others still better. Isn’t it interesting how we react to the knowledge of ourselves and how we perceive our sin nature?
Anyway, what God has been teaching me lately is dependence. With 19 credit hours and 15 hours of work, I physically/emotionally/mentally/academically need Him to get through the day. And I do. He is so good! “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we possess, for He who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23.
I also found housing for next year with my friend’s grandmother here in Ames 🙂 It’s so affordable and wonderful!!!!!
Now I’m praying that if it is God’s Will, I could be in Nevada to be with a cooperating teacher who loves God a LOT and by whom I would greatly value being discipled in teaching with God still incorporated into one’s teaching career. I will find out April 19th. Stay tuned!
I think I’m going to sleep for a few hours, so good night or good morning! Talk to you later!