(“The Scientist” by Coldplay reference)
Yesterday was a really bad day. I was home by myself since I didn’t have a sub. job, and I was gathering my wits about me to go on a run. I’m actually kinda out of shape, and since I’m a little terrified of cellulite, I thought I’d try some increment running (think modified couch to 5k style) to get me back on track (terrible pun). And then my husband called.
He was all like, “Hey, what would you think of going back to Ames on Friday? We could see some of my friends before they graduate, I could pick up some stuff from the house, and since I don’t have class on Friday, I thought we could leave Thursday. Oh wait- don’t you work on Friday?”
Yes. Yes I do. At that point it was the only day booked for subbing. So no big deal, right? I just say, “Hey, no, I can’t.” and we “bummer!” and move on. RIIIIIIGHT?
Wrong. I freaked. “Why didn’t you tell me this sooner? When did you find out?” [obviously not the real problem]. And Chris apologized, and said it’s no big deal, and that’s when I finally just said it (or sobbed it, rather, but who’s keeping track?):
“Because I’m homesick! Because I don’t want to be here!” Chris apologized again, and had to go because he was almost to class and we hung up.
And then I cried and cried and prayed while crying and cried some more. All the while refusing to leave the house for the day.
However, that time helped me think. Essentially, the root of the problem is as follows:
- I am homesick
- I have a hard time admitting to others when I’m having a bad time.
- My friends here would probably listen, but I don’t feel as though they’re ready for sobfest ’13 with a homesick 24 year old.
- Still not sure whether or not it’s pride to not want to sob to people you barely know (because really, I don’t think I can get through the conversation composed because I can’t even talk about it after the fact without tearing up in front of my husband).
- I grew the womanly emotions I used to despise. What the heck happened here?
Anyway, truly, just accepting my emotions for what they are (admitting they exist), directing those feelings to God, and talking to Him and then others really helps. I’m still praying for good friendships here and maybe a job, but God is faithful. That is what matters. Life has its ups and downs.
Also, sidenote: Legends of the Fall is NOT a good movie to watch when you’re already bummed. Poor Brad Pitt.
And if you were wondering, today is much better. I ran, cooked, did other errands, and am enjoying a leisurely afternoon 🙂