I am jealous.
I. am. jealous!
I have to tell you, I am one of those people who is otherwise an intelligent, educated, job-oriented woman, but when it comes to having kids, I’d prefer it to be now.
Those of you who know me well are not surprised at my characteristic impatience.
“Wait a minute,” I hear you dubious folks who know me and Chris personally say, “are you guys trying for kids right now?”
NO! No. no. We’re not. It is a mutual decision to not have kids right now in an attempt to be fiscally responsible and to prioritize Chris’s schooling for the ultimate, long-term, good of our family, even if it feels like I want kids now.
But with each good friend at home and additional friend in our Bible study getting pregnant, I feel a tug at my heart and have realized it’s because I am jealous and impatient.
It is one of those situations where I know we are making the right choice, but at the same time, part of me hopes we might somehow get pregnant anyway so we could know our timing is off and God’s is not… but oh well.
Wanting kids is normal. It’s a good thing. But once they’re here, they won’t leave for 18 years. It’s a long-term investment that requires ample amounts of time and money. We don’t have oodles of either right now. While Chris invests in grad. school, I’m investing in my career.
Not having kids right now is allowing me to be more of a blessing to my students, a vast body of individuals who have few people pulling for them in life. They really are my kids for now, and I am proud of all of them for different reasons.
I am jealous of my friends, but when I get my head on straight and refocus, I realize that I am also happy for them (the same way I hope they’ll be happy for me someday).