I am good at being an open book for everything, except that which is closest to my heart. I can tell you what I find unfair in my day-to-day life, but often struggle with expressing the truth of what pains me. It’s because the pain is scary. It’s because if I talk about what is really hurting me, it makes it more real (despite usually having a healing effect). It’s because I am scared that even if I do build up the courage to candidly talk about what is bothering me, and even if you are a dear friend, you will see the truth of my brokenness and reject me.
You see, I can trust me. I can even talk to dear friends who have been braver than I by choosing to trust me to reveal their inner selves. The problem is, because I hide some dark parts of me, I can come off as pretentious, as if I haven’t a real care in the world.
And I have to admit, my vanity says that’s more appealing than a broken friend.
What is even more ironic than me preventing me from being closer to others is me being more comfortable with blogging about my issues than sorting them out with someone in person. I don’t even have a person to talk to about them right now, and the person I have is in a tough spot and not currently very helpful.
With all these questions and inner dialogues about pain, I’ve begun to wonder about the concept of “inner truth.” As a Christian, I’m pretty sure all truth comes from God, so I hesitate to believe that the crazy thoughts in my head are truth. I think we have an inborn set of God-given good sense that we ought to exercise and develop, but I don’t think my ideas are always true.
With that being said, I’m having a rough time right now. I wish I wasn’t so crappy at being honest about inner me with other people. My pain comes and goes, from a hurricane to choppy waters, it is like the ocean in that it is always there somewhere, but more or less prominent at different times.
But I am trusting that all these moments are leading up to a lovely season at the beach. Someday. I am taking a deep breath and promising myself that I won’t drown.
However, today the waves are rough.