May 9th, 2017
I am scared of being vulnerable.
I have been fairly blessed in my life. God has provided for me over and over again, and I think, in part, I don’t have the right outlook because I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting to get what I feel like I deserve? What is bound to happen?
I’m not really sure about that part, but I am so scared of opening my heart and changing how things have been going for the past five years. We are thinking about becoming parents, and part of me thinks that we will either have trouble conceiving, or, more heart-wrenching, will lose babies, either by miscarriage or some other tragedy.
What’s crazy is that, would anyone else voice these thoughts, I would reassure them that even if those things happened (and I absolutely hope and pray they won’t), God is sovereign and loving and good, and does not take us apart except to put us back together again in a new, transformed, refined, and holy way.
After finally realizing many shortcomings in my life (let us say through trial by fire), I reached a point where I realized that I deserve nothing. If I got what I literally deserved, it would be terrible. God’s grace is free and full and accepting of repentance. My problem is, I think I’ve swung too far and am now terrified about not deserving anything.
Where I need to be is between the extremes of legalism (“working” for salvation) and grace as a catch-all (let’s do whatever because we are already forgiven). God asks what is difficult for me to do: He asks for my vulnerable heart, open to whatever He has planned, regardless of how “good” or “bad” I perceive it to be. He asks for my willingness to not be in control and to submit to His design for my life.
He has every reason to demand this. From choosing Him, I have found a calling in my career, I have found a life mate, I have found a job, a house, and people who care about me in a new place. I have had my pride extinguished (to make me a more empathetic individual), my spirit raised (to speak up for myself and advocate for others), my heart crushed and restored (to teach me how to better love others and myself), my bitterness dissolved (to help me forgive those who have not apologized) and patience gained (because it is the trial of my life to learn how to wait when my default is “do”).
God is faithful. He is just, even if we do not witness it in this life. He is loving. He desires my good; apart from Him, there is no good thing.
So I guess this is me doing business with God. The business is cracking the hard exterior of my heart once again in order to be softened and receptive to Him.
There may be pain ahead, but I am wrong to dwell on my anxieties. I must entrust each day, each moment to Him and not look for auspicious signs, but cling to the Word.
It is time to return to the Lord. I am thankful that He won’t let me go.